The Santa Theories

The question was posed to me the other day: "What would I say if a child came to me with questions about the logistics of Santa Claus?" I was perplexed and amused for a moment and then I collected my thoughts. I have since reorganized those thoughts in order to share them with you. The following is a question and answer segment created from that conversation. Enjoy.

"A child sees Santa Claus at the mall and then finds out that his cousin saw Santa at a different mall, in a different state, at the exact same time? How do you explain?"

First, it must be made clear that Santa is a magical being who is not tied to the rules of humans. This makes room to present the child with the argument that Santa defies the physics of time and space. He becomes omniscient (He sees you when you're sleeping, right?) and ever-present. This would make it possible for him to be everywhere at once.

Secondly, Santa can travel around the entire world, visiting every child, all in one night. There are only two individuals that come to mind who are able to do that, besides Santa. Superman can fly faster than the speed of light. The Flash can move around the earth at a speed so fast that it looks like he hasn't even moved. This opens up the explanation that Santa can move at a speed so great that he could move from one mall to another and be back without even appearing to have gone anywhere. That way the child and his cousin could have seen Santa at the same time and not known that he went anywhere.

"A child sees Santa at the mall and he asks the child what they want for Christmas, even though they already wrote, and mailed, a detailed letter telling Santa what they want for Christmas. The child is confused. How do you explain?"

First, the child must understand the inner workings of the postal system. The mail is picked up by the mail carrier, and then delivered to the local Post Office. This first step opens a few possibilities for the letter to be lost. It may have been dropped between the mailbox and the truck or mail bag. It could have fallen somewhere in the mail truck. It may have dropped somewhere in the post office. It could have even dropped in some other fourth way. The second part of the journey is the sorting. The letter to Santa may have been sorted incorrectly, especially if the letter was addressed to Saint Nicholas. There are many Saints, especially around France and Italy, and it is likely that some were named Nicholas. If your letter went to the wrong Saint Nicholas, you may be granted sanctuary, but you probably won't get that nifty dollhouse you wanted. The mail system falls victim to failed letter delivery all the time. This may be hard for a child to understand, but it's part of life.

Secondly, Santa has to ask the child in person to verify that the child is not a victim of identity fraud. There are a great many children around Christmas time running frantically in desperation because they might be on the naughty list. Desperation leads individuals to do things they normally would not under different circumstances. Bad kids, especially in this world of increasing technological advancement and technological literacy, could resort to stealing the identity of a child who has been good all year. Santa receives the letter under the good kid's name and delivers the present to the bad child's home, leaving the good child presentless on Christmas morning. Santa has thus enacted a "double check" system of asking children what they want for Christmas in an attempt to verify that the wishes the children verbalize match the wishes in the letters. If identity theft is proven, the good child's reputation will be reinstated and they will receive their gifts, while the bad child will be emailed some coal and a virus. Identity theft is not a joke.
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"How do you feel about the Elf on the Shelf?"

I don't like it. It reminds me of the paintings from Scooby Doo with the moving eyes. It gives me the creeps. Next question.

"There are two well-known versions of Santa. Which do you prefer?"

To be precise, Santa Claus is the only true Santa, no matter what name you call him by, but I still have a bit of a soft spot for the yin to Santa's yang, Krampus. Santa instills joy and good will in the heart of good children, which is a big part of generating and maintaining Christmas spirit. Krampus, on the other hand, wields a switch and a collection of burlap sacks and punishes bad children. Coal is so old-fashioned. Krampus stuffs bad children in burlap sacks and beats them with switches. If more children believed in Krampus, they might curb the bad behavior. Coal does nothing but disappoint and infuriate children, whereas Krampus delivers swift judgement to the vile youths. Santa and Krampus are a lot like Bruce Wayne and Batman. Everyone loves Bruce Wayne because he donates money and is delightful to look upon, but the Krampus is like the Dark Knight. He deals justice where justice is due.

I hope this short segment has been fun and insightful. I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and check back for more posts in the coming days.