That's right. I'm talking about beards.
Beards have been adorning faces since time began. Cavemen kept beards to provide protection from the elements and assist in hunting dinosaurs. The beard could hold a spear or even dole out some extra fist-shaped justice to those ruffian lizards. Beards were so important in olden days, that the worst punishment for a man was cutting his beard off.
For a while, Alexander the Great banned the keeping of beards, because he feared enemies would pull men by their beard and feed them a heaping helping of sword to the throat. Since then, beards have fallen in and out of the common trend. Otto the Great swore by his beard and touching someone's beard in the Middle Ages was asking to get your face stomped in by a metal knight boot. The history books say that Abraham Lincoln, the greatest conglomeration of molecules to ever gather and form themselves into a human being, was a "big, dumb liar-pants" before he grew a beard. The truth is in the beard.
But despite all of this insanely positive historical feedback, women statistically find beards unappealing. Studies have found that women find men with full beards two-thirds as attractive as clean shaven men. The same poll did find, though, that these same women and men found bearded men to appear older, more well-respected, stronger, and more likely to be a member of ZZ Top.
The biggest concern women had with bearded men, was that they seemed less cheerful, less caring, and altogether more intimidating than those men without beards. Who said intimidation was bad? Teddy Roosevelt, Abraham Lincoln, Leonidas, Gandalf, and Kenny Rogers all have beards. They also all have put their respective boots into an impressive number of rear ends. Sure, 98 percent of the Forbes 100 richest men list is clean shaven men, but 98 percent of cool guys have beards. It's all about knowing your priorities.
Personally, I think women need to get on board with the "Dihydrotestosterone Sensation that's sweeping the Nation."
Beards also open up worlds of career possibilities. Grow a bushy beard and you can be a lumberjack. Grow a light beard and you can be Ryan Gosling. Grow a soul patch and you could be a bass player in practically any band ever. Grow a messy, knotted beard and you can be homeless. Forget drilling for oil; Beards create jobs.
So today, go ahead and seize the day. Grow a beard, style it ridiculously, start a revolution. Remember that Ghandi once said, " If you don't respect my beard, I will hit you so hard with this stuffed marmot, that you'll grow a beard yourself and the eternal guilt of knowing you are a hypocrite with tear you apart for years and years until you finally get a therapist and work through your issues in a healthy way, but your face will hurt so bad."
For those who thought I was going to say "Black People" after the first sentence of this blog entry, I'm ashamed of you, and so is one of the Marx Brothers.
